"Its cold outside, but between us its worse in here..."

     Ugg, so I just broke up with DC Guy over e-mail, lame I know.  But he emailed me about how I have become distant and how he hasn't really heard from me lately.  The conversation was a little ugly but we both agreed that there were things that we should have talked about sooner.  So I wished him well and said that maybe we could try it again when he comes back to the city next year.  Now I'm single again I guess, and I'm free to see where it goes with UG.  As much as I knew it was over, I am sad that it really is finished. 

"The Glass is Half Full and not Half Empty..."

     I am so glad to be done with Thanksgiving week finally.  It ended up being one of the most out of control times in a very long while and it all started the Wednesday before the holiday.  I had rented a car so that I could drive up to Boston this year instead of taking the train like I usually do.  So I get to the rental place right at 10am to pick up my car, and I am suddenly told that I must have a credit card in my name or else they won't rent me a car.  I tell the woman behind the counter that I received an email from Orbitz stating that all I needed was a Debit card in my name to pick up the car.  She told me that I could use a Debit card at the Airports but in the city I had to have a Credit card.  Needless to say that after over half an hour on the phone and a lot of runaround from both Orbitz and Alamo I was walking down 8th Ave toward Penn Station without a car.  (To give you an idea of thevdislike of Orbitz for many similar reasons check out this site: http://orbitz-sucks.com )  SO I end up getting train tickets up and back after all and I'm finally able to leave NYC an hour later.  The whole reason I had wanted to drive up was the fact that I had to work at 9pm on Thanksgiving eve until 6am Friday morning and didn't want to deal with getting to the station during the holiday.  After 3 plus hours on the train I find myself in Boston waiting for the Red Line out of the city so I can catch one of the commuter trains out to Concord to be picked up.  As soon as I get to the platform for the commuter train I see it pull out of the station without me, so I'm forced to wait for almost an hour until the next train.  The next one arrives and I find a seat and sit down between two large men just to hear the conductor tell us that it is going express and the next stop will be South Acton, which is well past my stop.  I called my Aunt and told her of the unscheduled change in plan and to see if she can come pick me up at my new stop.  She gets there a little after the train and takes me to my other Aunts house.  I had finally made it to my destination after traveling for 8 hours for a trip that should take 4 and a half.
       The next day up until my return departure was absolutely great.  I have now become one of the "Turkey Bitches" that arrive early Thanksgiving morning to prep and cook the bird for dinner at 2pm.  This is the second year that I have done this with my two Aunts and its a lot of work buts its also a really fun time.  Especially after the bird is in the oven, when we get to sit down to coffee and just catch up until the rest of the house awakens.  Dinner was delicious and I got to set the table with my cousin again this year.

     I was really sad to leave right after we finished dinner because I only get to see some of my relatives once a year and I would have liked more time with them.  I got to work that night at 9pm and worked all night and didn't leave until 7am the next morning.  But it doesn't end there, I then had to be back at 9pm on Friday night for Round 2 which I didn't leave until 7:30am this morning...but at least I missed all the shopping freaks that were out on Black Friday morning trying to save a buck.

"He didn't even say goodbye, He didn't take the time to lie..."

     Well, my rationality and my doubts finally caught up with me this evening while I was folding sweaters at work.   The problem with simple repetitive tasks is that it gives you too much time to think.  I guess that I have been holding in all these fears and doubts about UG and they finally got the best of me.  I think that part of it has to do with the fact that for the first time since we met, I'm not sure when I will see him again.  He is flying home for the thanksgiving holiday on Wednesday and flying back on Sunday.  I know that I won't see him before he leaves but I also don't know about after that.  I saw him last night at my second underwear party and he invited me back to his apartment after it so I got to wake up with him this morning.  Now to figure out how he feels...
     One thing that I am excited for is I have been offered Lady Gaga tickets for her show in NYC in January.  Tickets are $70 but its for front row so its kinda worth it.  So now I have to figure out how to go to my family's house in Massachusetts for the holiday but still be back so I can be at work at 9am on Thursday night, and I am so pissed about it.  I can't believe that i work for such a money grubbing company, because being open 363 days a year just wasn't enough.

"Your filthy, and I'm gorgous..."

   So I walked into my apartment this evening after a very long day at work to find my roommate painting our living room.  A couple of weeks ago he told me that he wanted to paint our apartment, even going so far as to bring home some color swatches, but never in my wildest dreams did I think that he would ever go through with it.  He gets these "ideas" all the time, like moving to L.I.C. or learning how to do something useful like cooking.  Never in the time that i have known him has he ever actually followed through with it, so when he said that he was going to paint I nodded my head and said yeah that sounds good.

"You and me could write a Bad Romance..."

     Well today I finally did something that I have been putting off for over six years...I finally put in my applications for design school.  I have wanted to go back to school for a long time but I have never gotten up the courage to do it.  I know that it all sounds a little over dramatic, but let me try to explain.  I never got a chance to go to school for what I actually wanted to do, just what everyone else thought I should do.  So once I finally figured out what I wanted to do for the rest of my life, I started to get scared that if I failed at it I would have nothing left to do.  So the last time I tried to apply on-line I got so freaked out that I gave myself a panic attack. 

     I finally heard back from UG today after waiting a couple of days to see if he was going to call me.  He invited me to go to a spa party he is having tomorrow night but I had to decline at the last minute (I got stuck working at 6am the next morning).  So I texted him to see if he wanted to do something this evening after work.  A couple of hours later he texted me back saying that he was working till 11pm and that he was super tired.  So I decided to cyber stalk him after he got home and I found him on the dubious gay website and I got a little pissed.  I just want a guy who is going to tell me that he would like to see me after work and actually mean it.

"Nothing left to say, no more ace to play..."

     So I'm beginning to think that I'm getting a little too obsessed with UG.  As I slowly get my perspective back on the whole situation I am starting to see all the little signs that show me what I don't want to know.  I had a moment of complete clarity last night on the train ride home.  I don't know what made me see it but I realized that he doesn't call or text me back unless its about plans we have already made.  If I text him to ask about his day I never get a response.  I really like him and I'm totally the type of person to try find the silver lining in anyone.  So now I guess I have to figure out once and for all what he wants.

    On a lighter note, I almost tried to pick up one of my sales associates on-line.   I was on a shady homosexual website about a week ago and I saw this guy that was in my neighborhood, so I messaged him but never heard anything back.  SO I'm at work yesterday and I meet all of our new hires, and for a reason I didn't realize at the time one of them look very familiar.  So I'm on-line last night and I see him on and I freaked out and blocked him.  Don't get the wrong idea, it's not like I say that I have sex with animals on my page but its still far more info than I would ever want to circulate around the store...scandalous!  He hasn't said anything at all to me, so lets hope that doesn't change!

"I just might tell you tonight..."

     For the two weeks I have felt that my life has turned into some sort of romance novel, and I have been dreading the plot twist that I am sure is just around the corner.  So I have seen the guy from the Party (which we will call Underwear Guy or UG) three times since my last post, having just gotten home from his apartment this morning.
     To pick up where I left off, we met a couple of days after I called him for our second date.  We were supposed to meet for a drink but ended up just going back to his place.  I know, I know...how will we ever change peoples idea of us when we conform to all the negative stereotypes that are out there.  But considering how we met, going home on the second date didn't seem all that odd to be honest.  So we take the train to Brooklyn where UG lives and it turns out that its actually a nice apt.  So we chat for a bit before he walks across the room and pulls me into his arms and kisses me.  I thought that I was going to melt onto the floor at the moment.  He then tells me that he really likes to cuddle and hopes that I do too.  So we climb into bed and just hold each other while we kiss.  And all I keep thinking is that this is the best thing that has happened to me in the past two years, basically since the last guy I dated while I lived in Pittsburgh.  So we continue this all through the night and I end up spending the night (which I had no intention of doing before he pulled me into his bed.)  We end up staying in his bed until 1pm the next day.  So we finally get out and I leave for home while he is getting ready for work.
     In the mean time I had received an invitation, from the same guy who throws the underwear parties, to a massage party later in the week.  It really doesn't sound like a good time but I notice that UG is going so I decided why not?  So a couple of days later I find myself at the same apt that I had met UG for a party again.  This time however there is only a few guys there and it really ended up being about massage and not sex (although there did prove to be a happy endings for all.)  As soon as I get there UG sees me and walks right over to me to say hi, and kiss me.  And over the course of the next two hours he never ended up leaving my side at all.  So after UG and I took a shower together to remove the massage oil, we walked to the train station to head our separate ways.
 
     I need to let you in on something that is a little embarrassing for me to admit to anyone.  I usually have trouble telling if a guy likes me or if I'm just an amusement for him.  It somehow gets magnified when I'm around a guy that I find to be really attractive.  So the whole time I have known UG, I have had this nagging doubt surrounding his true feelings for me.  Part of this is from where we met but most of it is just me.  I have managed to date a lot of assholes in my life and I have a feeling that this is a nice little result of that.   So the whole time that I have been with UG, I have been trying to figure out how he feels and what it means.  And I can never tell for sure and I somehow always end up feeling like I'm one of the people from the movie "He's just not that into you".

     Now we are up to last night and our forth time together.  I talked to him a couple of days after the party and we agreed to actually go out for a drink this time.  So I meet him at Xes in Chelsea and we end up having a couple of drinks.  We actually had a really good time just making fun of the music videos that they were playing and just talking.  When I walked into the bar and sat next to him I really wanted to kiss him and I saw him start to lean toward me but as I said before I was afraid to just go through with it, in case it would be out of line.  By the time we look at our watches its past 12:30 and the bar is kinda over.  So I ask him what he would like to do and he tells me that he has some homework to finish before class tomorrow and should probably head home.  Me being the lady that I am said that I could go home with him if that's what he wants.  Next thing I know we are in a cab heading across the Brooklyn Bridge toward his place.  Much like the last time, I end up spending the night and loving every moment of it.
      Now comes that part that I have no idea what to do with.  He ended up hinting non-verbally that he wanted to do it, in the butt (by which I mean my butt).  The last time I was at his apt we had briefly talked about pitcher/catcher and who was who but nothing happened.  So there I am this morning, lying on my stomach, in some what of a dilemma.  (The english language fails me at this point because it lacks a word to describe my sense of simultaneous feelings of excitement and total dread.)   I do not have any confidence that I can do that, mostly due to my last ex (more on that later).  At the same time I really wanted to experience that with him.  Thankfully he didn't really pursue it this time, but since I really want to see him again, I have no idea what to do if it comes up again.

"You know that you're my saving grace..."

It has been almost a month since my last post and I didn't think that blogging was something that I wanted or needed to do.  Why would anyone ever read something about my life or really care...then I realized that everyone's lives share common threads with each other and that if nothing else at least I could get it off my mind.  So I'm back and ready to give it a go...

Well not a lot has happened in the last month, although I'm sure that there are things that I'm leaving out that would have made for good reading but what can I do.  So to bring you up to speed, I'm still "dating" DC guy but I think that it is time to call it quits and for a couple of reasons.  The first and biggest is the fact that we have been together for over seven months and I have never met any of his friends...ever.  He has told me all about them, some stories included pictures but that was it.  He is coming home this weekend to go to his friends birthday party and will only be home for the day and is going to his parents that night and then back to DC on Sunday.  I have to work all day on Saturday so I won't really get to see him at all, so he suggests that we have lunch together that day at least.  It wasn't until later when I was tell my friend this story that I realized that all he had to do was invite me along to the party, and presto time spent together.  I know that his friend doesn't know me but if a close friend is seeing someone for seven months, I wouldn't think that allowing him to bring this person along is a problem at all.  But no invite ( and I just talked to him 10 min ago) so I am beginning to wonder if any of his friends know about me or if I'm some dirty little secret.  And Second I just can't do this long distance thing, I need someone whom I can sleep next to and do more with than just talk and text.

Part of my decision is fueled by the fact that I met a guy at a party last week that I really like and would like to find out where it leads to.  I have a friend that throws underwear parties in Brooklyn about every other month and always invites me.  I usually end up declining, my mind filled with images of bald overweight, groping men together in one room and it always makes me shudder.  Or the horrific scenario in which I go and run into someone I know, who ends up telling others of my sexual proclivities.  So his last party was the day before Halloween and was a masquerade party, the guest list was hidden and everyone was required to wear a mask.  How perfect for me!  SO I gather all of my courage and go to the party around 10:30 and there were about 5 guys there already.  One guy in particular was very hansom, even behind his mask, and I was immediately drawn to him.  So after some things start to happen at the party, he pulls me over to the bed and we are by ourselves now.  We make out for a bit and then we stop and he lifts up his mask and I finally get to see his face.  He was so cute that without thinking I reached up and took off mine so he could see all of me.  And then something happened that I can't fully explain or understand.  In that moment, while I was looking into his eyes,  something clicked and all of a sudden it was just the two of us there.  So we actually started talking, the action going on around us completely forgotten for the moment.  This was the very, very, very last place that I ever thought I would meet someone that I would feel like that about.  This party was all about carnal need and I ended up getting the total opposite.  So when I got ready to leave, he gave me his number and told me to give him a call.  I barely remember the bus ride home that night.
I gave him a call two days later and we ended up going out later that same day, for a couple of hours before I had to go to work in the evening.  The wasn't the best date ever mostly due to both of us being too quiet and nervous.  But at the end we both agree to go out again later in the week.  So I waited until yesterday to call him even though I took every ounce of reserve to keep from snatching up the phone the next morning.  And now I'm just want to see him again but he has classes most week nights and I have the worst work schedule for the next three weeks.  He just texted me that he is free tomorrow night and to give him a call about it...so I guess there is still hope yet.