"I just might tell you tonight..."

     For the two weeks I have felt that my life has turned into some sort of romance novel, and I have been dreading the plot twist that I am sure is just around the corner.  So I have seen the guy from the Party (which we will call Underwear Guy or UG) three times since my last post, having just gotten home from his apartment this morning.
     To pick up where I left off, we met a couple of days after I called him for our second date.  We were supposed to meet for a drink but ended up just going back to his place.  I know, I know...how will we ever change peoples idea of us when we conform to all the negative stereotypes that are out there.  But considering how we met, going home on the second date didn't seem all that odd to be honest.  So we take the train to Brooklyn where UG lives and it turns out that its actually a nice apt.  So we chat for a bit before he walks across the room and pulls me into his arms and kisses me.  I thought that I was going to melt onto the floor at the moment.  He then tells me that he really likes to cuddle and hopes that I do too.  So we climb into bed and just hold each other while we kiss.  And all I keep thinking is that this is the best thing that has happened to me in the past two years, basically since the last guy I dated while I lived in Pittsburgh.  So we continue this all through the night and I end up spending the night (which I had no intention of doing before he pulled me into his bed.)  We end up staying in his bed until 1pm the next day.  So we finally get out and I leave for home while he is getting ready for work.
     In the mean time I had received an invitation, from the same guy who throws the underwear parties, to a massage party later in the week.  It really doesn't sound like a good time but I notice that UG is going so I decided why not?  So a couple of days later I find myself at the same apt that I had met UG for a party again.  This time however there is only a few guys there and it really ended up being about massage and not sex (although there did prove to be a happy endings for all.)  As soon as I get there UG sees me and walks right over to me to say hi, and kiss me.  And over the course of the next two hours he never ended up leaving my side at all.  So after UG and I took a shower together to remove the massage oil, we walked to the train station to head our separate ways.
 
     I need to let you in on something that is a little embarrassing for me to admit to anyone.  I usually have trouble telling if a guy likes me or if I'm just an amusement for him.  It somehow gets magnified when I'm around a guy that I find to be really attractive.  So the whole time I have known UG, I have had this nagging doubt surrounding his true feelings for me.  Part of this is from where we met but most of it is just me.  I have managed to date a lot of assholes in my life and I have a feeling that this is a nice little result of that.   So the whole time that I have been with UG, I have been trying to figure out how he feels and what it means.  And I can never tell for sure and I somehow always end up feeling like I'm one of the people from the movie "He's just not that into you".

     Now we are up to last night and our forth time together.  I talked to him a couple of days after the party and we agreed to actually go out for a drink this time.  So I meet him at Xes in Chelsea and we end up having a couple of drinks.  We actually had a really good time just making fun of the music videos that they were playing and just talking.  When I walked into the bar and sat next to him I really wanted to kiss him and I saw him start to lean toward me but as I said before I was afraid to just go through with it, in case it would be out of line.  By the time we look at our watches its past 12:30 and the bar is kinda over.  So I ask him what he would like to do and he tells me that he has some homework to finish before class tomorrow and should probably head home.  Me being the lady that I am said that I could go home with him if that's what he wants.  Next thing I know we are in a cab heading across the Brooklyn Bridge toward his place.  Much like the last time, I end up spending the night and loving every moment of it.
      Now comes that part that I have no idea what to do with.  He ended up hinting non-verbally that he wanted to do it, in the butt (by which I mean my butt).  The last time I was at his apt we had briefly talked about pitcher/catcher and who was who but nothing happened.  So there I am this morning, lying on my stomach, in some what of a dilemma.  (The english language fails me at this point because it lacks a word to describe my sense of simultaneous feelings of excitement and total dread.)   I do not have any confidence that I can do that, mostly due to my last ex (more on that later).  At the same time I really wanted to experience that with him.  Thankfully he didn't really pursue it this time, but since I really want to see him again, I have no idea what to do if it comes up again.