"I don't want to ride this rollercoaster, think I want to get off..."

     Well I just got home from Ad Guys apartment and I find myself a single again.  After we went to see a movie tonight, he decided it was the right moment to break up with me.  He told me that it was because of the talk we had a couple of weeks ago about being more serious.  He said that he wasn't ready for a relationship and that he didn't have the time for anything more than something casual and even if he did that he wouldn't be able to stay monogamous either.  So we talked about it for a little bit and I quickly saw that he had already made up his mind about it and for him there was no going back.  Although through out the entire conversation he kept asking if I was mad or upset at him because he didn't want me to be.  I told him that I was a little upset but I just couldn't bring myself to tell him how much it really did hurt me inside.  Plus I was a little afraid that I might start to tear up...And for me there is nothing worse than crying in-front of the guy who is at that moment dumping you.  So after a bit I told him that I had better get going and that it would be a while before I would be ready to talk to him.  He continued trying to make sure that I would not be upset or mad at him until I finally told him that if he was looking for an absolution from me, he wasn't going to get one.
     As I walked to the subway and the whole ride home I kept thinking about it and was really trying to keep myself from wanting to erase the whole relationship from my mind.  I know that we all have lessons about life to learn and that experience is one of the best teachers.  But sometimes I feel like I will never get to meet a man that is actually whole on the inside and able to just have a relationship without all of this unnecessary drama.
     It wasn't until I got home and sat down at my computer that my final revelation came to me.  I got onto the dubious gay website that I had originally met Ad Guy through and guess who I see online at that moment.  Yep, that's right, not even half an hour after dumping me he was looking for his next hook-up.  I guess he really wasn't ready....or maybe I'm just a little too ready.

"I can't sleep, I can't speak to you..."

     Well, its been a while since I last posted and a lot has happened... so since I can't sleep at the moment, I figured that I would do a quick update

     I have the final news (I think) on the UG front...and that would be that he has no interest in me at all!  Not even for friends.  I texted him last on New Years Eve and I got a message back wishing me a good new year and that is it folks.  It has been eight days and I have purposely not initiated any contact to see what would happen and I got my answer.  I know that most of you are un-shocked by this news but let me try to explain.  I try to live my life with no regrets and I had held a candle of hope that he liked me but was afraid to admit to it encase it wasn't reciprocated.  But if he had any feelings for me he would have at least wanted to talk to me, even just to say "hey, whats up" if nothing else.  So I'm finally admitting to the truth of the matter to myself and just moving on.
     I also just applied to culinary school for this winter.  I know I said that I wanted to go to design school but after this past week I made another realization about my life, this times its about how much I hate my job.  I work for a man that is totally incompetent and has the interpersonal skills of a masochistic eel.  I'm sick and tired of cleaning up his messes and making sure all the things he can't or won't do, get done.   I hate retail in general but I'm finding that I have less and less energy to get out of bed everyday to just pretend that I care about any of it.  Plus he isn't too far from being the Devil in something other than Prada.  I'm a very smart and talented individual who could be a lot happier and making a lot more money else where, so its time to make a move.  I applied for classes that will start in Feb so here is hoping for a change.
     On the man front I've gone from UG to Ad Guy.  I was on the dubious gay website and was just bored and chatting away when I happened to start talking to a guy who lives in Manhattan and works at an advertising agency.  So I've had two dates so far and it has been really nice and fun.  I'm not sure where it will lead to but that will be part of the fun.  Plus going out with someone who actually has feelings for me and remembering what that is truly like has opened my eyes to the truth of UG as well.

"Nothing left to say, no more ace to play..."

     So I'm beginning to think that I'm getting a little too obsessed with UG.  As I slowly get my perspective back on the whole situation I am starting to see all the little signs that show me what I don't want to know.  I had a moment of complete clarity last night on the train ride home.  I don't know what made me see it but I realized that he doesn't call or text me back unless its about plans we have already made.  If I text him to ask about his day I never get a response.  I really like him and I'm totally the type of person to try find the silver lining in anyone.  So now I guess I have to figure out once and for all what he wants.

    On a lighter note, I almost tried to pick up one of my sales associates on-line.   I was on a shady homosexual website about a week ago and I saw this guy that was in my neighborhood, so I messaged him but never heard anything back.  SO I'm at work yesterday and I meet all of our new hires, and for a reason I didn't realize at the time one of them look very familiar.  So I'm on-line last night and I see him on and I freaked out and blocked him.  Don't get the wrong idea, it's not like I say that I have sex with animals on my page but its still far more info than I would ever want to circulate around the store...scandalous!  He hasn't said anything at all to me, so lets hope that doesn't change!

Is it the simplicity of the task that confused you...

Well, another long day at work and yet I still managed to find another reason that you can never count on a man before he is hatched.  Two days ago I went out on a date with a guy that I met through a less than reputable gay website (more on that website later).  And I called him last night, just like he asked me to when we parted ways at the end of our date.  He picks up says hey asks me whats up and then tells me that he need to call me right back.  Ok, no problem...except that he didn't call be back that night or the next morning.  All I get is a text from him when I got to work at 2pm that reads,
"Sorry I didn't call you back but my phone died and I was F**king tired.  So sorry."
Needless to say I haven't responded yet, nor am I sure that I want to.  The problem is that he is soooo my type looks and all.  Just to get an idea of what a hot mess it turned out to be here is the back story:

I met up with him after work on Thursday and we went to get something to eat and out for a drink after.  Well the date turned out to be a little much for so very many reasons:
1. He is a gay nerd that is getting his beautician's license while working part time at an electronics store
2. He doesn't like most gay men and claims that he never hooks up...insert Kelly Clarkson song here.
3. He doesn't like gay men that act too gay...strange that you never hear women complain that straight men act too straight.  And for that matter how does a gay man act too gay?
4. He tells me that being boyfriends after two weeks isn't too soon....apparently there he isn't against gay men that act like lesbians.
5. He then tells me that he is actually going to school to become a cop and that the hair thing is just something to fall back on...and that he is also collecting unemployment because the hair salon pays him under the table and he only works one day a week at the electronics store.
6.And best of all, he tells me that he has a hitting problem...(wow I just realized how bad this all sounds now that it is in front of me.)

And yes after all that I was still crazy/stupid enough to go out with him again...but once I added unable to call me back somehow that was the deal breaker.  Perhaps I have a couple of issues of my own and for future reference I will be referring to him as haircop.
I sure that some of you are wondering about the guy in DC that I'm supposed to be dating.  Well lets just say that monthly visits are not enough to keep my bed warm and a year might be too long to wait.