"I'll find someone like you..."

Well this is my first update in 9 months, now if this blog were a baby I'd be ready to push it out may vadge and share it with the rest of the world.  However I don't think I'm quite ready to push it out so I'll just close my legs and wait till its ready.  But I will keep typing away till that day finally arrives.

A lot of things have happened since we last left our hero...I've gotten a new job, adopted a cat, managed to eat  most of my feelings and still found time to not develop my social life.  Whew...ok now that we've done that now we can move on.

One of the big things on my mind is the fact that next summer I will be turning the big 30 or rather I will be turning 29 again.  Its a big number to turn and it brings a lot of perceived baggage with it.  Not just the usual "Gay life ends at 30" idea but also the fact that up until now I have given no thought to what my life would be like when I hit this milestone.  When I was younger I used to think about what it would be like to be 21 or 25 but 30 never even occurred to me at all.  Its like I would just fall off the face of the earth or something, still young and pretty(ish).  Since I have no preconceived notions about 30, I have no idea if I'm happy with where my life is at this point.  Sure I managed to move to the big apple and meet some interesting people, find a job that supports me and my lifestyle.  But what should I really have accomplished so far as to be able to say that I'm on track.  Plus there is the nagging feeling that I'm far behind where I should be...I still don't have a college degree, no man prospects anywhere on the horizons and if I get knocked up now I will be almost 50 when they finish high school.  Talk about feeling like a Debbie Downer.  I know that I'm still young(ish) and that my life isn't even half over, assuming that I live to be over 60, but I still think that there were a lot of things that I just never got around to doing and now I'm kinda too old.  I know that you can always be a kid at heart, but that will only take you so far.  I guess I'll just have to keep turning 29...

"The type of Guy who doesn't see, what he has until he leaves..."

     So it has been a long time since I last updated, part of it was just the lack of free time but also after one of the last posts I'm not sure what to do with this blog.  I doubt that anyone is reading this but if I try to change that I'm afraid that people might start to figure out that I am writing this blog.  And the whole point of this is to have an outlet to be able to talk about anything without having to worry about the ramifications. 

Anyone have any suggestions?   Anyone??

Matt Alber – End Of The World

So I'm sitting at home trying not to be too much of an emotional cutter.  But I finally watched the video for End of the world by Matt Alber and it really is a cute video...even made me tear up a little bit.


Matt Alber – End Of The World

I don’t want to ride this roller coaster
I think I want to get off
But they buckled me down
Like it’s the end of the world
If you don’t want to have this conversation
Then you better get out
Cause we’re climbing to our death
At least that’s what they want you to think
Just in case we jump the track
I have a confession to make
It’s something like a cork screw
I don’t wanna fall, I don’t wanna fly
I don’t wanna be dangled over
The edge of a dying romance
But I don’t wanna stop
I don’t wanna lie
I don’t wanna believe it’s over
I just wanna stay with you tonight
I didn’t mean to scream out quite so loudly
When we screeched to a halt
I’m just never prepared
For the end of the ride
Maybe we should get on something simpler
Like a giant balloon
But I’ve got two tickets left, and so do you
Instead of giving them away to some stranger
Let’s make them count, come on
Let’s get back in line again and ride the big one
Don’t you want to fall, don’t you want to fly
Don’t you want to be dangled over
The edge of this aching romance
If it’s gonna end, then I wanna know
That we squeezed out every moment
But if there’s nothing left can you tell me why
That it is you’re holding onto me
Like it’s the end of the world

"I don't want to ride this rollercoaster, think I want to get off..."

     Well I just got home from Ad Guys apartment and I find myself a single again.  After we went to see a movie tonight, he decided it was the right moment to break up with me.  He told me that it was because of the talk we had a couple of weeks ago about being more serious.  He said that he wasn't ready for a relationship and that he didn't have the time for anything more than something casual and even if he did that he wouldn't be able to stay monogamous either.  So we talked about it for a little bit and I quickly saw that he had already made up his mind about it and for him there was no going back.  Although through out the entire conversation he kept asking if I was mad or upset at him because he didn't want me to be.  I told him that I was a little upset but I just couldn't bring myself to tell him how much it really did hurt me inside.  Plus I was a little afraid that I might start to tear up...And for me there is nothing worse than crying in-front of the guy who is at that moment dumping you.  So after a bit I told him that I had better get going and that it would be a while before I would be ready to talk to him.  He continued trying to make sure that I would not be upset or mad at him until I finally told him that if he was looking for an absolution from me, he wasn't going to get one.
     As I walked to the subway and the whole ride home I kept thinking about it and was really trying to keep myself from wanting to erase the whole relationship from my mind.  I know that we all have lessons about life to learn and that experience is one of the best teachers.  But sometimes I feel like I will never get to meet a man that is actually whole on the inside and able to just have a relationship without all of this unnecessary drama.
     It wasn't until I got home and sat down at my computer that my final revelation came to me.  I got onto the dubious gay website that I had originally met Ad Guy through and guess who I see online at that moment.  Yep, that's right, not even half an hour after dumping me he was looking for his next hook-up.  I guess he really wasn't ready....or maybe I'm just a little too ready.

"So Happy I Could Die..."

     Well, I'm here on my last night at my parents house and I have had so much to think about this past week that I feel a little overwhelmed right now.  To go into a little background, I took a week of vacation from work and took the train out of the city for a week to see my parents since I haven't had a proper visit since last summer and I've been feeling a little guilty about it.  Most of the week has been spent with just my parents but today I got to spend a couple of hours with one of my friends from my High school days.  To be honest I have been avoiding visiting with her just because she has a kid and has never been able to get out of our small town.  I was afraid that when I finally saw here that most of the time would spent listening to her bitch about how she is stuck here and how her life sucks and poor her...and I was right.  After about 20 min I started to regret the visit, I will always like her and the times we had spent together but right now we couldn't have less in common with each other.  I really didn't want to tell her about most of the things that I have done or that are going on because I was actually starting to feel guilty about it...and I continued to feel that way until I realized how effed up that is.  I had to work hard to get out and to have the life I wanted and why would I ever let anyone make me feel guilty for reaching my dream.  So after about two hours I called it quits and headed back to my parents house. 
     Part of my thought overload has to do with my parents but its almost 10:30pm and I have to pack and be ready to leave the house  in 9 hours so I can be on my train and be off to my real life, so the story behind my parents will have to wait...maybe when I'm on the train tomorrow I'll crack open that one for all my readers.

"Don't wanna kiss, don't wanna touch...Just smoke my cigarette and hush..."

     Well clearly my resolution to post more often is off to a rough start but then again its easy to improve if the bar is set low to begin with. 
     Things with Ad Guy have been going great for once, we've had about five more dates and  have...ahem, been together in a biblical way.  And I was even a lady this time waiting for three whole dates before giving it up.  As with any guy I start to see romantically, I know that there has to be some problem or flaw with them.  All guys have them, even me, but some have bigger problems than others and Ad Guy has a pretty big one.   I found out a week ago that he isn't out to any of his family or really anyone from his home town.  Some of this is a bigger deal than others, such as the home town part...big deal.  Plus the only reason I found out about it was because he got his sister a free-lance gig at his firm and she is staying with him for two weeks.  So suddenly I have become a dirty little secret while she is staying with him.  I know that everyone has to come out on their own terms but after a certain point in life barring any physical ailments or financial dependency being closeted just turns into milking it.  He is 23 and is finished with college and lives on his own in a city four states away.   It really has made me think about what it would mean for any sort of long term involvement with him and what it would mean.  Not that I am against dating someone just because they haven't told their parents but family is a big deal for me and I want to share my family with him and to do the same with his.  He told me that he wants to tell them but that there just hasn't been the right time...(insert groan here).  I feel like some poor straight guy believing a baby trapping whore who is telling me that she is on the pill...aka buyer beware.  So for now I'll wait and see how it goes and if I think that its worth it to look past this issue.
     I also have some news on the UG front.  I saw him last night at a spa in midtown for a "sparty"  with other like minded homos.  Basically a thinly veiled reason to be naked in public with possibility of inappropriate  touching in the steam room.  But I did talk with him for a while and found out that he is dating someone whom he seems very interested in.  After hearing this I thought that I would be crushed but instead I actually felt liberated from it all...it meant that I could finally free myself from this obsession with trying to be with him.  Even the next day I'm not at all upset and I'm actually glad that I can just be friends with him. 
     On a sluttier note...I have joined the masses and downloaded the homo low-jack known as Grindr. 

If your not familiar its a "social networking" (read hook-up) app that allows you to chat with boys but it only tells you how many feet/miles away from you they are.  It doesn't say where they are just that they are *blank* distance from your location.  So basically it has turned my iPod into a iWhore...very classy.

"I can't sleep, I can't speak to you..."

     Well, its been a while since I last posted and a lot has happened... so since I can't sleep at the moment, I figured that I would do a quick update

     I have the final news (I think) on the UG front...and that would be that he has no interest in me at all!  Not even for friends.  I texted him last on New Years Eve and I got a message back wishing me a good new year and that is it folks.  It has been eight days and I have purposely not initiated any contact to see what would happen and I got my answer.  I know that most of you are un-shocked by this news but let me try to explain.  I try to live my life with no regrets and I had held a candle of hope that he liked me but was afraid to admit to it encase it wasn't reciprocated.  But if he had any feelings for me he would have at least wanted to talk to me, even just to say "hey, whats up" if nothing else.  So I'm finally admitting to the truth of the matter to myself and just moving on.
     I also just applied to culinary school for this winter.  I know I said that I wanted to go to design school but after this past week I made another realization about my life, this times its about how much I hate my job.  I work for a man that is totally incompetent and has the interpersonal skills of a masochistic eel.  I'm sick and tired of cleaning up his messes and making sure all the things he can't or won't do, get done.   I hate retail in general but I'm finding that I have less and less energy to get out of bed everyday to just pretend that I care about any of it.  Plus he isn't too far from being the Devil in something other than Prada.  I'm a very smart and talented individual who could be a lot happier and making a lot more money else where, so its time to make a move.  I applied for classes that will start in Feb so here is hoping for a change.
     On the man front I've gone from UG to Ad Guy.  I was on the dubious gay website and was just bored and chatting away when I happened to start talking to a guy who lives in Manhattan and works at an advertising agency.  So I've had two dates so far and it has been really nice and fun.  I'm not sure where it will lead to but that will be part of the fun.  Plus going out with someone who actually has feelings for me and remembering what that is truly like has opened my eyes to the truth of UG as well.